condoms are for pussies and assholes

geni @ 2005-12-27T22:12:00

2005-12-28T06:14:30Z

once again, this is not geni.

the end is near

2005-12-08T07:13:57Z

geni's future husband/he-bitch will now make his OWN SURVEY

favorite article of clothing: Boot-cut jeans!
how long have you had your toothbrush? Geni thought of this question.
what is your favorite brand of vodka? I call whip-its "Geni vodka"
why do people take on-line surveys? Because i make them.
what is your favorite brand of BBQ sauce? Ghetto gourmet. Available @ 5th/Stark in downtown Portland.
why does HBO insist on replaying episodes of real sex from 1990? The clothes are great.
do you think this quiz will be copied by other livejounal users? Not after the next few questions.
Are geni and lyndon watching late-night hbo porn right now? Yes.
does geni hate minorities? Yes, she does. She actually coined the term 'wet back'
are idiot republicans pretending to ignore the 35% approval rating of the president that forced their idiot children into a war they assumed was just? Probably.

paste this quiz on your friend's list or whatever that cheap blurty site is calling friend's lists!

geni @ 2005-12-04T22:57:00

2005-12-05T06:58:33Z

visit lyndon's website!

HERE

I steal geni's friends page surveys and post them under her account!

2005-11-14T04:33:08Z

A- AREA CODE YOU ARE IN RIGHT NOW: 503

B- BIRTHDAY: 5/27/83

C- CURRENT CRUSH: Early Haley Joel Osman

D- FAVORITE DRINK: Wine

E- EATING CURRENTLY: Nothing

F- FAVORITE FOOD: Indian, Native American, Gay.

G- WHO DO YOU GO TO FOR ADVICE?: Craigslist/Washington Mutual

H- CURRENTLY HATING: North Korea!

I- "I THINK"- I just can't get enough of t-shirts with silly sayings on them. Keep those shirts looking old!

J- JOB: Getting Geni pregnant with our son Hunter S. Beckner.

K- ANY KIDS: Not if Geni's vagina has anything to say.

L- I LOVE: All things with "i" in front of the name or an "LV" all over. I also enjoy clever t-shirts with sayings like "Enjoy what you see?". Hah! Enjoy what you see? It works on so many levels.

M- FAVORITE MOVIE: I'll let Geni answer this one: Father of the Bride part II.

N- NUISANCE: Condoms. Come on, Girls!

O- OVER OR UNDER: For the right price, my man!

P- FAVORITE PERFUME/COLOGNE: Hugo Boss, by Hugo Boss. I also have enjoy Kenneth Cole by Kenneth Cole. Sam's Choice by Walmart comes in a close third.

Q- A QUIRK ABOUT YOURSELF: The state of Oregon says I can't go near a grade school for five more years.

R- LAST ROAD TRIP: A 3am trip to Planned Parenthood after Geni came home from work five hours late smelling like beer and Gordon's Gin.

S- SCARED OF: Getting pregnant from one of the toilet seats at work.

T- FAVORITE TV SHOW: Breaking Bonaduce. Every week I tune in and I swear they are going to break him. THEY DON'T. This guy is fucking great.

U- COLOR OF YOUR UNDERWEAR: Off-white after that new Madonna video.

V- LAST TIME YOU WERE IN VEGAS: Was sure great.

W- WISHFUL THINKING: No republicans come to me and Geni's wedding.

X - XRAYS TAKEN THIS YEAR: I fell on another vibrator!

Y- YOUR FAVORITE YEAR OF YOUR LIFE?: 2008: Hillary Clinton/Jeb Bush. Ohio? Florida? IT'S A WAR ON THE SHORE.

Z- Zat is eet for zee questionz.........

GENI'S BOYFRIEND UPDATES GENI'S JOURNAL NOT GENI.

2005-08-19T04:31:33Z

1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.

1.~How did you meet geni? Mid-orgasm
2.~What would you do if you had never met geni? WHAT DO YO MEAN? DID SHE TELL YOU SOMETHING?
3.~What do you honestly think of geni? She smells like old coffee and still gives me a straight 6.
4.~Would or did geni and geni go out? I get what you're saying. Everyone does that.
5.~Have you ever liked geni? Yes.
6.~If geni died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would need him/her to know? You're going to die tommorrow, Geni.
7.~Would geni and geni make a good couple? No, but that would make a guilt-free orgy.
8.~Describe geni in 3 words: guilt-free orgy.
9.~Do you think geni is hot? Hotter than SATAN
10.~Would geni and geni make a lovely couple? I think choosing one name was a bad idea..
11.~What do you think of when you see geni? Are my pants tighter?
12.~Tell me something humiliating about geni: She recently converted to Islam.
13.~Do you know any of geni's family members? Yes.
14.~What's geni's favorite color? Blred
15.~On a scale of 1-10 how cute is geni? 10
16.~What would you do if geni just professed their undying love for you? Cry tears of joy and then laugh laughs of happiness.
17.~What language does geni speak? English, Hobbit
18.~Who is geni going out with? A cock with legs.
19.~Is geni a boy or a girl? Girl
20.~Would geni and geni make a good couple? Not after the whole Islam thing.
21.~Who do you think geni would be great with from this list? Most likely geni. I would even think geni would be another candidate.
22.~When was the last time you talked to geni? During the commercial break of a heart-wrenching 'what not to wear'
23.~What is geni's favorite band? Vince Neil's solo work
24.~Does geni have any siblings? No
25.~Would you ever date geni? Not without a dental dam.
26.~Would you ever date geni? I have.
27.~Is geni single? No.
28.~What is geni's last name? Oliver Bush
29.~What is geni's middle name? Adolf
30~What is geni's fantasy? A gladiator arena full of angry slaves who all want to prove their lust for her by brutally sacrificing their lives to men with far superior weaponry.
31.~Where does geni live? On in all of our hearts.
32.~Would you make out with geni? Not without a dental dam.
33.~Are geni and geni best friends? She's been in the bathroom for three hours. Figure that one out.
34.~Does geni like geni? Not according to Dr. Phil's "Self Matters"
35.~How did you meet geni? I was at a stoplight when Geni walked up to my car and asked "Do you want to party?" followed by "Full service. Are you a cop?"
36.~Is geni older than you? Yes
37.~Is geni the sexiest person alive? Pending the death of Harrison Ford, yes.

Every time I see your face I feel stupid and happy

2004-02-05T19:17:09Z

Watching "Elimidate" alone makes me feel trashy and good about myself all at once. Kind of in the way bad talk shows do I suppose. At any rate I'm thankful I have every reason in the world not to be like those people. Maybe someday I'll be able to verbalize my hatred of the people who don't get chosen and scream about how great they are and how much the other person will be missing out. Seems like how "great" you are should really be saved for someone who's NOT accompanying you on a shitty dating show.
/morning rant

I am in love with Lori Carson, even if I only have one of her mp3s Lyndon downloaded. If I ever leash out musically, ideally it'd be in her style.

And I made pretty bad coffee this morning. Grinds for two and water for one don't mix too well, my mouth feels coated.

I've been reading old e-mails lately and it's amazing how I think logically about 2001, 2002, and last April and feel like the time has flown... but then I can read through this old stuff and just realize how much everything in my life has grown and how I've never been more proud of myself then I am today. Even as far as 8 months ago, to think that life back then was so great, and it's only a million times better now is indescribable. Before this I'd embark upon anything with it's demise in mind, the only thing in question was the "when" of it all. And for the first time in my entire life, I have no anticipation, expectation, or even any fear of where I am and what I have diminishing. To view your surroundings filled with thoughts of how it can all only go uphill from here is fucking amazing. Soon we'll have a vacuum, some art up in the bedroom, and a million more memories attached to this place and time. I said a long time ago in an entry that it was amazing to think about that particular time in my life as a preconceived memory:
("Still love him, still get the butterflies, still can't wait to look back on all these recent memories in my preconceived future. It's priceless when a bond has reached an amazingly impressive level you never anticipated, and you can't imagine it becoming any stronger and it does, it excels, consistently.")
And that's still so true. Not being able to imagine your life getting any better but knowing that it will is priceless. It's like Christmas every day. I've never been so happy to be getting older, wrinkles, round tummies, wisdom, welcomed.

Gotta go

2004-01-08T01:01:17Z

There's something slightly unnerving about having to run your faucets in a steady stream for days in a row. It's the stuff fucked up dreams and urges to urinate are made of. I feel like, with all this snow, I'm in a state of fourced half-sick hibernation. Days full of sitting in my apartment and my body still aches like I just ran a marathon. I paint but my brushes get dirty and I get distracted upon washing them. I'd play the guitar but my fingers aren't calloused enough to do so for more than an hor or so. And playing the songs I know on the piano eventually loses novelty. I'd sing but the neighbors could hear, and I want to listen to new music. I finished my book; "The Torn Skirt". The last paragraph struck me:

"I stare at the beater and see a faint face looking back at me. I can barely see her face. She's hidden by steam on the glass. Maybe steam from her boyfriend's breath, maybe from pot smoke, maybe the constant fog. That girl in the backseat of the beater, I wonder if she's bored and restless, stuck in this small town, hating the slow, stoned laughter and the same rock song on the radio. I hope she caught a glimpse of me through the steam. Even if she only saw my tear widen and my legs kick off the ground, she might think I know where I'm going. She might think I've found a way."

I'm in the middle of a new painting, Lyndon's niece, Jordan. Trying to flip off the camera but failing in giving a peace sign. I'm trying to capture it looking realistic but with high contrast. Lots of reds and peach, grays and black. I think I'll like it when it's done. I already do. I've been painting a lot lately. I never thought I'd meet anyone so close to me who cradled talents I barely knew I had. All those monthly drawings I'd sketch and show to no one are developing into large paintings. I'd never painted until very recently and I love it. Who knew? Hopefully he'll start making music again

More snow

2004-01-07T23:12:07Z

I fucking hate the news. I don't think anyone needs 24 hours of snow footage on all 4 major networks. Truth be told, I'm really only pissed because it's overriding Dr.Phil AGAIN. Snow doesn't tell it like it is.

"Ah! When will he return? When will I hear him again?"

2004-01-01T05:24:11Z

There's something so much more fulfilling in sitting here getting absolutely nothing accomplished on this wretched internet, with Lyndon laying right behind me on the futon, half asleep/half watching some fat lady in a red dress singing opera (with subtitles). I don't believe anyone in my life has ever made the hum of my cpu and this lady's horrid vibrato fill me with as much contentment. First and last and only.

May 15th, 2003

2003-12-01T23:16:43Z

There's you who's glad everyday that I wake up, and there's me for you, filled with pleasentries merely in knowing you, knowing you're there, knowing you'll have my back even when the seams split, and that you'll still hold my hand while I pick up the pieces.

I'm thankful for you.

At Work

2003-11-08T00:22:38Z

i surrender all my gall in a song of modern love.
remember you're the one who summoned me above any other kind.

Everyone Else is Doing it

2003-11-05T00:48:53Z





	
	
	
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How compatible with me are YOU?

hahahahaha, a quiz (I'm sorry, I'm so lonely...)

2003-08-29T23:53:14Z

describe your:
[ x ] wallet? a zebra print wallet I got in 8th grade with fuzzy black stripes and plain canvas for the white parts. It's filled with a general lack of money and pictures of people I never see anymore.

[ x ] hairbrush: I actually don't own one. My hands are my hairbrushes.

[ x ] toothbrush? an old blue one I should probably replace

[ x ] pillow cover? pink :)

[ x ] blanket? a black comforter that's gray on the bottom

[ x ] coffee cup? I generally use a red, light green, and yellow striped mug I got arouns Christmas from Starbucks (hahaha I am the man)

[ x ] underwear? black cotton, or white "cowgirl day of the week"

[ x ] shoes? black fuzzy rocketdog shoes with 3 velcro straps

[ x ] handbag? just a big tan canvas bag thing I got a few years back

[ x ] tattoos? nope

[ x ] makeup? mascara and a little blush if anything

who or what (was/is/are):
[ x ] in my mouth: cranberry juice, coffee, a glued wire prema-retainer I've had for WAY TOO LONG

[ x ] in my head: one percent of one, lyndon

[ x ] wishing: I had motivation or means to go do something

[ x ] after this: reading (hopefully finishing) "no logo"

[ x ] talking to? no one

[ x ] eating? nothing

[ x ] fetishes? not really, things way too cute to be considered fetishes

[ x ] if you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason? the media

[ x ] person you wish you could see right now? lyndon

[ x ] is next to you? no one

[ x ] something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month? fall, sweaters, cold nights, fires

[ x ] something that you are deathly afraid of? moths and driving off the side of a road

[ x ] do you like candles? yes, I should own more. I remember a time when I owned about 25 candles... now I think I have about 5

[ x ] do you like hot wax? not really

[ x ] do you like incense? yes, nog chompa, brings back the memories

[ x ] do you like the taste of blood? nope

[ x ] do you believe in love? yes.

[ x ] do you believe in soul mates? I didn't

[ x ] do you believe in love at first sight? no.

[ x ] do you believe in heaven? it'd be nice

[ x ] do you believe in forgiveness? I believe in not allowing yourself to be consumed by some trite circumstances

[ x ] do you believe in god? I don't think so.

[ x ] what do you want done with your body when you die? I don't really care, scrape all my organs and sell them on the black market

[ x ] who is your worst enemy? district managers, bus drivers and angry black men who try and kill my boyfriend, parking attendents at my work

[ x ] if you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? I have fish, they're good enough for me

[ x ] what is the latest you've ever stayed up? recently? haha, like midnight MAYBE

[ x ] ever been to belgium? no

[ x ] can you eat with chopsticks? yes. but only recently as I adopted a taste for sushi

[ x ] what's your favorite coin? I hate dimes, don't know why but I do

[ x ] what are 5 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to? somewhere in canada, other then that I really like where I am

[ x ] anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time? ashley ashley ashley

[ x ] what's one thing that you wish could happen tomorrow? starbucks will call me and let me know that I never have to work again but that they'll keep me on payroll for 40, maybe even 50 hours a week, lyndon's work does the same, and we run away to france together where we can be justifiable assholes and where the only word I'll know will be "shit"

something short

2003-07-25T04:19:45Z

...painted pictures line myself of you
coming home to my world
to you my love i'll discard these pictures
these fantasies
as fabrications become reality

i know

we'll find each other again walking tight
photographed pictures of non-fiction
preconcieved memories
remember floating?...

Been thinking about you

2003-07-18T22:21:08Z

I just went to check my on-line banking balance... and instead of typing "wellsfargo" I typed "wellsfarTgo" and laughed for way too long about it. It's hard having this elevated sense of humor.

Hmm... words always run short when I update lately... I saw Chuck Palnuidakwdlkck read on Wednesday night. Cool guy, had a kidney stone and was on massive vicodin, but I still bought his new book, and I'm still waiting to sit on my back porch and crack it open.

Saw Chuck with Lyndon. Still love him, still get the butterflies, still can't wait to look back on all these recent memories in my preconcieved future. It's priceless when a bond has reached an amazingly impressive level you never anticipated, and you can't imagine it becoming any stronger and it does, it excells, consistently. Lovely, one love.

In other news, Colorado ("Radda") was a trip and a half. My cousin lives in a trailer with three kids and a bitch of a fat wife, to be brutally honest. I wish him the best but it's hard when all signs point to fucked. Hopefully his children will prevail instead of shooting up their schools when they get older. But who knows, time will tell and I do wish him the best. And I do count my blessings for being as fortunate as I have been.

Work's good blah blah. It's just so easy to get through my day there, realizing it's a job, I get paid $9 an hour reguardless of upselling or not. I am coming to the conclusion that I am getting paid a flat rate to try and make rich big wig assholes more money. Therefore I've decided that I'll show up on time, get my free drinks, continue to "upsell" by offering the customer another item exactly like they just purchased for the exact same price, and by (more or less) doing precisely just what I need to, to get by. Work was my life for awhile, and I'm thankful really that it's not anymore.

Haha, to quote Chuck:
"I remember thinking,
'this rocks, this company is paying me $30,000 a year just to show up to this buiding every day'
and now I juat think, 'man... that was fucked'."

*sigh* to be slightly jaded. The time has come for me to put on clean clothes and enlighten myself. Some form of minor creation is in store.

Lines Dissecting Love

2003-07-09T22:10:34Z

Driving home last night I could swear to God I saw the kid from Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" video. That is if he hasn't aged at all since the nineties. Nevertheless it was eerie.

I knew a kid named Jeremy in gradeschool who I called "Germy". So that song really hits home.. haha.

I was waiting for a bus with Lyndon the other day and there was this black man right next to us saying over and over again:
Use a rubber
Take off the rubber
Put it in my ass
That's Janet Jackson and her sister
And after I was uncomfortable about it all I really started to feel bad. I don't understand mental illnesses really, maybe someday I will, but the idea of having no real control or logic over how you acting is so sad. I can't imagine my inner monologue being audible to everyone, and I can't imagine living such an impulsive life, giving yourself directions and not knowing why, waiting for a bus until either the bus comes or the desire to wait passes. This is something I'm fairly interested in... I have to remember it.

I'm happy to report that my freakishly tan driving arm has lightened a tad. It probably helps that I bathed today for the first time in like a week or something. Lord knows it was probably 67% driving dirt.

So I hop on a plane to Colorado in two days to spend time with a cousin I haven't seen since I was eight. And even then for a matter of minutes. I'm anticipating it really, knowing it'll either be a lovely experience or excessively awkward. Either will make for good stories and that's enough to make me content.

Ashley: if you're reading this (which I know you will you internet whore), e-mail me if you want anything from my old bedroom. I have a ton of shit in there I haven't touched in about a year so let me know if there's anything you'd like and I'll let you know if you can have it. And more than likely you will, except for those JTT posters, I've been meaning to bring those up here with me, I need something for my ceiling.

Alright I'm a lyric slut and I give in today. This is one of my new favorite songs and I'll be damned if you all aren't going to skim over these lyrics, not really reading them:

Past and Pending
as someone sets light to the first fire of autumn.
we settle down and cut ourselves apart.
cough and twitch from the news on your face.
and some foreign candle burning in your eyes.

held to the past, to aware of the pending.
chill as the dawn breaks and finds us up for sale.
enter the fog, another low road descending.
away from the cold lust, your house and summertime.

blind to the last curse of the fair pistols and countless eyes.
a trail of white blood betrays the reckless route your craft is running.
feed til the sun turns into wood dousing an ancient torch.
loiter the whole day through and lose yourself in lines dissecting love.

your name on my cast and my notes on your stay.
offer me little but dotting on a crime.
we've turned every stone and for all our inventions.
in matters of love lost, we've no recourse at all.

blind to the last curse of the fair pistols and countless eyes.
a trail of white blood betrays the reckless route your craft is running.
feed til the sun turns into wood dousing an ancient torch.
loiter the whole day through and lose yourself in lines dissecting love.

....

Okay that's all. I must embark upon an adventure, trying to obtain a travel duffel bag. I think I hear Target beckoning.

You

2003-07-07T06:15:06Z

Life's still good. No internet on my computer yet, just a cool roommate who let's me borrow hers frequently.

I thought I knew strength before you,
an accepted inability to love.
I thought I knew comfort
and sweet morning kisses,
an accepted consistent mediocrity.
You lift me so high and ease me back down,
my words never fall on deaf ears,
yours never fall short.
You fill me to the brim
where I delight in knowing
that it's okay
to overflow in your arms.
Sweet morning kisses have never held my heart,
you define them.

Yep, you.

and it's time to come home

2003-06-27T06:02:12Z

I hate moving.

I'm so far done with it all and I still manage to feel overwhelmed. It's ridiculous really, and all part of being me I suppose. I have an uncanny ability to become stressed about anything, excessively. But tomorrow is soon, and hopefully then I'll be done with this. Oh and absent from a computer for awhile, heads up.

What a mood I'm in. I've never felt such highs and lows. I can't wait to move but that's a transition... people at my new job aren't fond of me but I have someone else in my life who holds me in highest regards. The highs are amazing and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but drifting through mediocrity is a lot easier. But what fun does that hold? What growth can you obtain from comfort and avoidance of either wall? Yeah... none. I'm thankful. Having someone you know will always care to come home to is more than I ever foresaw myself with. I've gone beyond limits I'd convinced myself I had, and it's hard to describe what love really is, but I'm pretty sure I'm there, and I'm pretty sure it's a combination of vulnerability and warmth I can get used to. Yeah, I love you. And thanks for understanding my moods, holding my hand, and giving even when I can't.

Only one.

The past is gooooonnne

2003-06-18T00:36:22Z

Just a note to update: I've never been so content with such circumstantial curve balls and rough beginnings. Life's easier than it should be right now, and I'm so thankful. I love everyone who, even the people in passing, have given me this smile.

I miss you

2003-06-06T06:28:15Z

Haven't updated in awhile. What a past couple days! And lately I've been saying that with negative connotations but these were lovely. Other than a sunburn and sore feet, I can't complain about a lick. I went to the beach today with Lyndon. An hour and a half drive I always forget is completely worth it. If even just to walk ocean side for an hour and have a cup of clam chowder. At any rate, I feel very loved for numerous reasons from various sources I won't bore you to list. And that feeling is enough for me to consider the past few days of my life a wonder.

Work... about work. As much a part of my life as anything else, sadly right? It's going well. I'm a supervisor at the Starbucks in our local Children's hospital up here. The team's a bit slack but I'm hoping a little dose of Geni shimmer and hardcoreness will change that. We'll see. I meet with my new manager tomorrow which will determine, finally, a lot of my preconceived notions of this store and will, hopefully, give me some faith in changing some things.

My sunburn. I hate sunburns. Especially since I ALWAYS GET THEM and since this one specifically is all concentrated on my left arm. I don't consider myself a vain person but it just looks ridiculous. In time it'll heal I'm sure, until then I'll just cry myself to sleep with thoughts of never being loved in consequence.

It's been real.
("What's that mean?" "I don't really know, I've always just hoped that no one would ever question it")

angels?

2003-05-25T06:37:53Z

Some nights I can skid 50 feet to a stop in the rain, I can have truck bright lights flashed in my rear view mirror, be honked at multiple times for nothing, have someone make a left turn right in front of me... and still be thankful when I see an accident right outside the North freeway exit I decided to avoid taking him home. Maybe intuition means something.

Cursed you and your reasons

2003-05-23T12:45:55Z

This morning I feel like I've reached the peak of what my body can handle. About the 26th day in a row that's filled with constant activity... lordy almighty help me make it through. At least I can see the end from here, and the end is tomorrow, and it'll be SO sweet.

Finally.

it's too early

2003-05-21T13:08:33Z

You can close your eyes it's all right. I don't know no love songs, and I can't sing the blues anymore. But I can sing this song, and you can sing this song when I'm gone.

All these weird creatures who... live for their secrets

2003-05-16T01:31:54Z

They're all uptight.

WHAT A WEEK. Seriously. This one goes down in the fucking books. And I feel like I've finally come to the end of it, and my body's reaping the consequences. I convinced my immune system I was fine for about a week straight when I'm sure I wasn't... and now that I'm over this month's hump, it's reminding me that I haven't paid it adequate attention... and I feel nauseous. I had insanity at work, a supervisor bailed and another left legitimately. tomorrow's day #8 for me, I spent the week preparing/STRESSING for my interview today, and outside of work? Ha. I do have a life, yes. Speed bumps with a best friend, too much empathy, a lot of running away basically. A lot of sought comfort and avoidance. And now... I don't even want to think about June. Let me live through it. I'll be moving to a new apartment AND about 2 weeks into my new supervisor position at Dornbecher. Adjustment will be June's theme. I hate themes, I hate one word that can sum up any period of time, and I hate even more that it'll be adjustment... I HATE having to adjust. I can do it and it's intriguing and new blah blah blah bullshit but it's hard. But I thrive on challenges, and that I will.

Anyway my interview. I'm fucking amazing. I can be piss my pants nervous and somehow manage to articulate/sell myself. A couple cracked jokes, some business jarble, common sense, and a bitchin coral corduroy blazer... and I'm in. Give me 6 more months and I'll be an Assistant, haha, it's that easy right? Watch me.

At any rate I find myself home alone this evening, and suddenly conscious of the tick to my watch. Perhaps a burrito? A movie? Filed foot calluses? Some guitar? The possibilities are endless... and thus the ignorance of my upcoming month ensues. That bridge will be crossed when it's necessary, I refuse to lame myself down in preconceived notion.

The night generic Pepto Bismol saved my life

2003-05-13T07:38:11Z

COMING SOON:
The "Lynei's" guide to SEEDY UNCLEAN FOOD POISONED NEARLY GHOSTLY ABANDONED Chinese food restaurants in downtown Portland.

Fake water falls, heat lamps, dirty dishes and tables that haven't been bussed ALL DAY makes it good... lingering smells of shit and weed in the ladies room make it GREAT... and a PRIME LOCATION between two down and out porn shops make it IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO EVER EVEN CONSIDER EATING SOMEPLACE ELSE!!!!

"Lyndon and Geni are proud to boast the fact that they will only rate the SHITTIEST 'food' establishments in the area!!"
-The Chicago Tribune

"Holy fucking shit on a stick! LITERALLY!"
-The Wall Street Journal

"Lyndon and Geni sure know how to find them! I thought I knew good eatins before this FOUNTAIN OF KNOWLEDGE opened up beneath me... now I'll never look at restaurants the same!!"
-The New York Times

AND NEITHER WILL YOU!

(coming as soon as Geni stops throwing it all up)

Zagats ain't got SHIT on these two...